Flying.

Found something that I wrote at some point and it it time to let it fly.

Flying.

Once there was a girl. She was an ordinary girl, nothing special. except that she was pretty, that  she knew for sure. So many times she heard the adults saying this about her: “Oh, my gosh, isn’t she pretty? Look at those eyes. Look at this smile.”

She liked to laugh and run but her parents often asked her not to be noisy and it seemed like teachers at her kindergarten favoured quiet girls too, so she learnt to be quiet.

She started to dream. She dreamt about being a princess, and for a while she felt like one. Her father used to indulge this fantasy; he called her his precious princess. On the snowy nights, when he picked her up from the kindergarten and they rushed home : she - on the sleigh, he - pulling the sleigh – he pretended to be her loyal servant, her guard. It felt like a fairy tale.  Besides being her loyal servant, he was also a medical student and used to spin tales of white and red blood cells just for her.

The older girls in their neighborhood liked to play an elaborate game of princes and princesses, pirates and dragons. Somehow the girl never was a pirate or a prince; she always was a princess, waiting to be rescued. It was a bit boring and she would have loved to be a scary dragon for once, but everybody liked her to be a princess, so she didn’t argue.

She never fully understood when and why everything started to change. Somehow she wasn’t so precious anymore. She started  school and though she was great at reading and writing, math was not so easy for her. Her father, her loyal servant, became more and more irritated with her and once, when she, yet again, was not able to write down numbers precisely in the squares, he dragged her into the other room and whipped her with a belt. Her surprise was greater than pain but what frightened her even more were the scared eyes of her mother, who stood near the door, watching the scene – hands clutched near her chest. The fear from her eyes came to live in the girl’s heart.

She started to read more and more – the books about great adventures and the books about heroes, the beautiful tales of fragile princess and funny stories of magical creatures.She could be anyone with their help: she could be a knight fearlessly galloping thought the dark forest, she could be a powerful witch or a cunning fox; there was no need to worry about reaction of others.

 Once she woke up in the middle of the night. There were noises in the corridor - a muffled cry, hushed voices – she got out of her room and saw her parents arguing – her mom was crying in the corner, holding hands in front of her face as for protection, her father looked furious. They both turned to her – her father stormed out of the apartment and her mother led the girl back to bed. She said that everything was fine.  “How could everything have been fine?” the girl thought, but she was too afraid to know the answer. If the words were not said, perhaps nothing would happen. It didn’t help though, and little by little her father faded from her life. The girl wanted to go with him so much, but she knew that she wasn’t supposed to want this. After all, the adults in her life and the books too were saying exactly that. When fathers leave, you had to feel angry and hurt, not wanted to be with them. When he came to visit she acted as she thought she should. It seemed to upset him but it pleased so many people in her life, they all were saying “she acts so well, so mature”. Her mom never said much but she was crying most of the time, so it wasn’t good to ask questions. The girl continued to read. She inhaled books, sometimes a new one each day as if she were afraid to stop and look around.

Another strange thing happened. She ran home one day and a man asked her to stop. She was frightened for some reason but she was taught to listen to adults, so she stopped. He took her several flights up the stairs and made her lie on the floor. It was cold and uncomfortable but he put his hands around her neck and said: “I’ll strangle you if you scream”. His hands made it hard to breathe, his eyes were so cold and blue; she just nodded. He put his hands between her thighs, his fingers pushed up.  It hurt but she was too scared to complain; she just tried to breathe. The door opened and closed above, somebody was going out. The man jumped up as a neighbor appeared at the top of the stairs. The stranger ran off down to the street, his feet heavily pounding the stairs. The girl was led to her apartment. She felt a bit groggy.  Her mom opened the door and a small scream escaped her lips. Adults talked about something but the girl couldn’t hear a word; she just wanted to go to bed. But instead her mom brought her to the bathroom. The water felt good.  Something red and warm ran between her legs.” Blood”, exhaled her mother.  The girl looked up in surprise, a question on the tip of her tongue. But her mom’s eyes were so huge; they took almost all of her face, so she didn’t dare to ask the question.

The girl fell asleep as soon as her head hit a pillow. She was awaken several times – once it was a doctor, who wanted to check her temperature, the other time, it was a policeman asking about this man on the stairs. But she didn’t remember much, just a red shirt he was wearing and his eyes. After that night nobody mentioned what had happened, they just looked at her cautiously, as if they didn’t recognize her anymore.

She kept on reading. Nothing really changed for her, except one thing – she was now afraid of running up the stairs, and she was afraid of staying alone in the apartment, and sometimes in the night she felt this man’s hands around her neck.

Every day returning from school, coming closer to the apartment she felt her heart beating faster and faster. She always looked up and down the street now before entering the building, and she never ever went in if there was a man nearby. Once inside, she ran as fast as she could up the stairs, the key in her hand, so not to loose the precious time while opening the door. Safely inside, she leaned on it and made sure to turn all the locks and put a chain on. She stayed near the door for a while to make sure that there were not any suspicious sounds, no footsteps. Then she hurried into the room and locked that door as well.

 Only with her books she felt safe. She could go anywhere she wanted there and she didn’t feel afraid. The adults always asked her why she didn’t eat during the day. She always said that she wasn’t hungry. But the truth was, she was too scared to go the kitchen, it was easier to escape in the book.

She was sitting on the windowsill once, looking at the street. It was such a nice weather, warm and sunny. She moved closer to the edge and then a bit more. A warm wind gently hugged her, as she let go off the edge. She was flying as so many books told her she would.