Black January

These days of the middle of January carry a lot of sad memories for Azerbaijan. Twenty years ago when the movement for independence from the Soviet Union was gaining momentum, a wave of nationalistic pogroms erupted in the country. In a city once known for its multinational culture people turned on each other “man against man, neighbor against neighbor.” Some chose to become hunters, some, not given a choice, became hunted. People were killed and those who weren’t fled the city. On the night from the 19th to 20th of January 1990 Soviet troops entered Baku and again innocent people were killed. Those days went down in the history of Azerbaijan as Black January and the 20th of January is now known as Mourning Day, remembrance of those who lost their lives. Red carnations already start to appear in the Alley of Martyrs where the fallen were laid to rest.

Twenty years have passed but the memories of those days are still throbbing. One woman told me how she and her small kids huddled in the bathroom close to the floor because so many people were killed by stray bullets. “I still remember the crack running in the center of my tiles,” she said. The other told of the painful realization that people whom you knew could so easily turn against you. “We were neighbors, you know,” she kept repeating, even after 20 years shaking her head in disbelief.

Whenever I listen to people talk about those days – I inevitably notice the faraway look of souls lost in the past and when after a pause they return to conversation, they say, “Let’s not talk about it, it was so long ago” and then there is silence.




Silence of crystal night
Pierced by machine gun fire:

Rain of broken glass, tramping of running feet,
Cries of people and later stunned silence.

Those alien sounds
Smashed windows of hopes and dreams –
Pieces of broken glass mirrored the empty sky.

An Unexpected Visitor

Look whom we found in our backyard upon arrival home! He is still indecisive whether he would leave or stay. For now he is camping on our lawn.


Below is the permanent resident of our yard, Attila.

Results

Parenting is such a peculiar occupation - you do it constantly even if you don't intend to. It is annoying at times because often the kids picked up something that you would not want them to learn - bad habits, for example. Both of my boys bite their lips and there is no way to deny that this "gift" came from me. Once in a while though they surprise me by showing that my nagging is taking its hold.

From my childhood I was taught that it is rude to refer to a third person in his/her presence using a pronoun (she/he), you should always use his/her name. As in, "Aleksandra asked you to do something" instead of "She asked you to do something." when Aleksandra is standing right there. I have been trying to pass it on my kids and those seemingly fruitless attempts felt exasperating.

Today I heard them both catching and correcting themselves on exactly this point. While having breakfast and chatting about dreams the younger one said "Remember that weird dream, sh...(quick glance in my direction) mom told us about?" and later in the day the older one corrected himself while speaking with his friends.

I hope that someday they will learn to keep their elbows off the table as well.

Things We Love

I am feeling blue. Not because of the weather - it is sunny and nice; not because of a pesky headache - it finally left me, not because of abundance of work - it is a bit of a lull there at the start of the week, but because on Saturday I happened to conduct a tour in the Art Museum and it reminded me how immensely I miss doing what I am good at. Every our move I reinvent myself - learn new ropes, teach myself yet another skill - each time feeling like a student who has to prove herself. But there in the museum, leading the tour, I was doing what I love and know well. Teaching essentially. I let myself to forget how much I love those things. I like the thrill of discovery which generates the desire to share, I like spending hours talking with people in search of information, I like sifting through books or websites unearthing forgotten facts, I like the moment when all the separate bits of information come together into a whole, the moment when a tour/lecture/lesson takes its shape and there is a vision of how it should be going, and I like effortless connection between me and audience that transfers a random group of people into participants, co-creators.

Through the years of moving from country to country I have been taking my friends and family to various museums, galleries,city walks but I haven't done it with a crowd for way too long. It felt exactly how I remembered it - fun,thrilling,exuberant and utterly natural, in a way it was like returning home.

It felt great, but then the afterthought kept coming back, "I really love it, what a shame that I do it so rarely."

It said that the key to happiness is to learn what you like and incorporate it in your life. So, what makes you shine?

Still Images

Days fly by in a mad rush – loosing their contours in the process. Where one ends and the other starts, I cannot tell. Things which have happened in the morning feel like several days ago – time assumes fractured quality – mosaic of seconds and hours without complete pattern. The only certainty is still images captured by camera.